Conversing over Lists
by RittannasFire
Summary: They have a deal; John does the shopping, Sherlock pays for it in exchange for John picking up some things for his experiments. John's not sure who's getting the better end of the deal, not with some of Sherlock's requests. Or maybe its Sherlock's explanations that worry him. (loosely connected one shots)
1. Premise

Sherlock hated going to the shop. In fact he refused to go to the shop. He had a whole litany of reasons but John suspected that it was a combination of not wanting to deal with the people and the fact that it was 'boring.' John would have made him go anyway but for the fact that Sherlock was as likely to get everything on the list and pay for it without getting thrown out, as the Landon criminal populace was to suddenly decide to stop committing crimes. John had actually shuddered when he imagined all the things that Sherlock could get up to on a normal grocery shopping trip. So John resigned himself to doing the shopping for the both of them. This, while tiresome, was alright.

What was not alright was the fact that Sherlock could not be relied upon to do anything as domestic as paying the bills, this included paying John for his share of the shopping. Oh, and the cab fares, let's not forget those. London taxies were ridiculously expensive and John had to pay for them more often than not because Sherlock couldn't wait to get to where ever they were going.

John had finally gotten fed up one day and stated that he wasn't going to do anymore shopping until Sherlock paid up. This wouldn't have fazed Sherlock one bit normally, John needed to eat too so eventually he would go and shop any way, but on that particular day Sherlock needed several things for some experiment he was doing and if john didn't go then he would have to stop in the middle of them. Which eventually lead to Sherlock telling John that from then on he could put the whole of the expense of whatever mundane things were needed for everyday living, food, cleaning supplies, whatever, on Sherlock's own account without any splitting, provided John picked up whatever other odd things Sherlock needed. John didn't like the idea of Sherlock paying for his half as well but in the end he decided that it was the lesser of two evils and agreed, stipulating that he would only pick up things that were within reason. This spawned many future arguments on what was 'within reason' but for the most part it worked out well enough. John soon stopped feeling odd about living off of Sherlock, the things that often ended up on the list, despite his stipulation, were quite enough to make him think that Sherlock was getting the better end of the deal. (Besides he could consider it hazard pay for all the kidnappings and such he'd been put through.)

Things like raw octopus, a snake skin purse (do make sure it is genuine John,) professional chef's knives, fire cracker's (Sherlock so help me if you set them off in the flat!), and floral print stationary (scented!), were all on the list at some point and were my no means the oddest things to appear either. Sometimes John found it easier not to ask but occasionally his curiosity got the better of him. The most common explanation of course was 'an experiment' but sometimes Sherlock would be a little more forth coming. John couldn't decide if those times were something to look forward to or fear.

* * *

Note: This will be a collection of loosely connected one shots based on the premise that John does the shopping and Sherlock has very odd requests. A warning, I'm an American and as such I don't know much about British groceries and what not. If anyone sees anything glaringly off I'd appreciate knowing about it. If you have any suggestions on what should be on a typical shopping list for them that would be great to. Also this is my first multi chapter fic and only the second story I've posted on here. If anyone could give me tips on formatting or has an opinion on whether or not this should be marked 'complete' because each chapter can pretty much stand on its own or 'in progress' because I will be adding to it, I'd appreciate that too.


	2. 5 Pounds Each

Oh, I forgot to mention, I don't own Sherlock.

* * *

"_'Five pounds each: potatoes, lemons, and tomatoes'_?"

"Experimenting with electrical currents and the corrosive properties of foods."

"Any particular reason?"

"A death involving a rather odd meal. Just need to see if the recipe could have killed her husband."

"You think she killed him by cooking dinner?"

"No, her husband killed _her_; strangulation. I'm looking for motive."

"Right. Do the tomatoes have to be fresh or can they be canned?"

"Fresh of course…Problem?"

"No, not so long as you don't mind paying for five pounds out of season tomatoes."

"I'm sure the account can handle it. If not I'll give you Mycroft's card."

"You picked Mycroft's pocket?"

"No, of course not. I pick-pocketed his assistant. I'm sure she has her uses, Mycroft wouldn't keep her around otherwise, but she is dreadfully unobservant."

"Everyone is next to you two."

"Well yes, at least in my case. Mycroft has been slipping lately."

"And you're basing that statement off of the fact that he didn't immediately call you out on pick pocketing his assistant, likely when he wasn't even there?"

"He has his precious cameras. Besides he should have seen it coming and warned her. That last kidnapping was uncalled for. He knew I needed you here for the Jonson case and he did it anyway."

"So you did it for revenge."

"hmm, Also as a warning."

"Warning? You don't think that's going to stop Mycroft do you?"

"No but next time maybe he'll think twice about the location. Those warehouses are dreadfully drafty and you had a cold."

"That's very…um— er…"

"You were going shopping."

"Yes. Right. Good. Shopping."

"Take a taxi, the tomatoes will bruise otherwise."


	3. Heels

"Sherlock! Sherlock I am not buying a pair of woman's high heels!"

"But John I need them for—"

"Yes I know! An experiment! Always an experiment, but not this time Sherlock, this time you can find some other way to get them."

"I fail to see why this should be such a problem. You didn't argue about picking up clown costume for me and most people would find that the more humiliating."

"That was humiliating! Especially as you didn't specify beforehand that you had requested a pink one! That is exactly the reason I am refusing now, I have had enough humiliation for one week."

"I explained about that John! It was a rental and the—"

"Yes, Sherlock I know, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing to be seen picking up a pink sequined clown costume. Nor does it mean that I am going to do this now."

"Will you pick them up next week?"

"Sherlock-!"

"You said—"

"No. Never. Ever. Ever. You can have someone else pick up your special 'size seven and a half red high healed stilettos with open toes.' Or better yet, get then yourself!"


	4. Teddy Bears

"'_Milk, hair pins, vinegar…__Teddy Bears**'**_?"

"Yes John, Teddy Bears, you know soft cuddly toys. For children."

"Yes Sherlock I know what a Teddy Bear is. I meant, why do you need them?"

"Be more specific next time John. I need them for children of course. Oh, and one for Anderson."

"Okay I'm going to leave that alone for the moment. Why are you planning on giving children Teddy Bears? And if you tell me it's for an experiment I really don't know what I'm going to do with you."

"No, of course it's not for an experiment, whatever gave you that idea? It's all on this website on how to handle children."

"How to—"

"John, **stop** repeating everything I say. Now, since you are clearly being even slower than usual I will explain. According to this website young children are often calmed by soft cuddly toys resembling animals, the most popular being Teddy Bears, so I need Teddy Bears to give to crying children. It also says that being around familiar things or people, even hearing familiar music can have a calming effect. But as those things are not always readily available I thought that the Teddy Bears would be good to have on hand."

"That's…that's actually rather sweet Sherlock."

"Hardly. I'm merely being practical, crying children are almost as distracting as Anderson."

"And there's the Sherlock Holmes I know. Speaking of Anderson, why would you need one for him?"

"Oh that one _is_ for an experiment; I want to see what affect a teddy bear has on him."

"I should tell you not to."

"But you won't."

"After last week? No, I don't think I will. Just remind me to stand on the other side of the room when you give it to him…with my camera phone."

* * *

A/N: I admit I may have used the words 'Teddy Bears' more often than could be called good writing but I found it amusing to see how many times I could get Sherlock to say it.

All so, as I said, not British, so sorry if you don't actually have Teddy Bears over there. Pretend it was an American web site.


	5. Feeling Alright?

"Sherlock, are you feeling all right?"

"Fine."

"Hmm. Do you need anything? I'm going to the shops."

"No. You know I'd have written it down or texted you."

"Yeah. Are you sure you're all right. No fever, nothing like that?"

"I said I was fine. Why do you keep asking me that?"

"It's just. Well-"

"Spit it out john."

"There's nothing on the list. You always have something on the list for me to get. Why don't you have anything on the list?"

"Of course I have something on the list John. See there, I asked you to pick me up more Shampoo."

"But that's not normal! I mean it is normal, for normal people, which makes it not normal for you. You never have me pick up normal things. It's always something unusual, something weird. This is—!"

"John maybe you should lay down."

"I'm fine Sherlock!"

"You clearly aren't. Someone who is 'fine' doesn't go on about things that are 'normal' in a way that confuses even me. There is clearly something wrong. Maybe I should call Mrs. Hudson."

"I don't need you to call Mrs. Hudson! I am fine. I am fine and I am going to the shops, and when I get back I will find out what is wrong with you."

"I told you there was nothing wrong with me John. I really do think you need to lie down."

"You just told me that you were confused! Confused Sherlock! You are never confused!"

"Is everything alright boys? I heard the shouting and thought I should come up and check if everything was alright. Oh my, are you two coming down with something? You look a little flushed to me. The flue's been going round you know. Perhaps you'd better have a lie down. I'll make you each a nice cup of tea. But just this once mind you! I'm not your house keeper."


	6. Dog Food

A/N: This is a sequel to my one shot 'Toby.' All you really need to know is that Toby is a bloodhound mix that Sherlock's used on a case before. Oh and he drools on the carpet.

* * *

"Sherlock what is the dog food for?"

"Didn't I tell you already? I was sure I had."

"I was probably out and couldn't hear you. Would you mind explaining it again?"

"I suppose not. We're going to have Toby for a few days."

"Toby… the bloodhound?"

"Yes. Hence the dog food. I did remember to write down the brand didn't I?"

"Ah, yes, that's here. Why do you need the dog?"

"For the case a course. Toby is the best bloodhound in London. I need him to help me find the correct butcher's shop. It's for the Montgomery case. Might take a few days."

"Okay…have you talked to Mrs. Hudson about this? She wasn't too happy with what he did to her carpet last time."

"Yes, well, I had asked you to speak to her about it."

"While I was gone."

"Well yes, but—"

"No. I am not going to play nice for you just because you're scared of her."

"John, I'm not scared of her, I just have far too much to do. Besides she was baking earlier and you know how much you love her baking. I'm sure she'd offer you something while you were down there."

"Ah and so you don't have to refuse her because you think it will slow you down."

"It will slow me down. Not that that was my point at all."

"Of course it wasn't. I'll tell you what, you ask her and I'll go with to eat anything that she might offer us."

"Can't you just—"

"No. You're the one who arranged to have a bloodhound staying in the flat. You're the one who's going to explain it to Mrs. Hudson. And take care of it while it's here."

"But John, I have the case to solve and—"

"No, if you want a pet, even a temporary-strictly-for-the-work one, you have to take care of it yourself. I am not being responsible for it."

"You won't even—"

"No."

"But just—"

"No."

"John—"

"I will get the dog food, _if_ Mrs. Hudson says it's okay, but that is it Sherlock. _Nothing more."_

"…"

"Now quit pouting and we'll go talk to Mrs. Hudson about it."

"I'm not pouting."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"John—"

"Are too. Now come on."


	7. Sherlock--

A/N: Just in case if wasn't clear, most of these start out with John asking Sherlock about something on the shopping list. In this case he doesn't get much of a chance to.

* * *

"Sherlock—"

"Wilson case, need it to determine time of death."

"What about—"

"One of my contacts is addicted to them. Make sure you don't get the red ones, nasty side effects in large doses."

"And—"

"I used the old one for checking the alibi of the wife's neighbor in that cold case Lestrade sent over; The one with the wale pendant."

"The—"

"Mine has a hole in it. And no it wasn't the acid."

"Why do-"

"It's the missing item from Vincent O'Neil's desk. I believe it may be a murder weapon."

"I thought he was poisoned?"

"He was; it was the wife. But before that he killed his gardener."

"What gardener? They had a flat didn't they?"

"The one from his childhood home."

"If you say so. Now—"

"I have a craving, you're always telling me to eat more. So there, that's what I want to eat."

"Fine, but only if you eat something else when the case is over. Something healthy."

"That's what the—"

"That's not healthy Sherlock. I'm talking about something with fiber and protean; something with some substance to it."

"Fine then I'll have—"

"No not that either. How about—"

"I don't like them, would you be satisfied with—"

"Maybe, if you ate some—"

"Fine I'll have one. Only one!"

"Alright, I guess that'll do for now. But next time I'm picking out your post-case meal!"

"Fine, just so long as I can still have—"

"Yes you can eat it for desert; that means after everything else is gone!"

"Oh come on!"

"That's the deal Sherlock. Now what kind of—"

"Strawberry. No, blueberry. Or maybe apple?"

"I'll surprise you shall I? Do you really need—"

"Yes. It's vital. The one I have is entirely in adequate."

"Do I want to know what—"

"Probably not. Don't look so worried, it's nothing that will blow up or catch on fire or—"

"Or Stink for three days after I've made you throw it out?"

"That was only the one experiment John. You can't hold it against me forever, it's not fair."

"I'll hold it against you for as long I like Sherlock. I couldn't even stand to be in here for five minutes. I don't want that happening again."

"And I told you it won't, not without good reason."

"Can you at least give me some warning next time so I can find some were else to stay?"

"If you insist John."


	8. Why Soup?

A/N: A special thanks to this story's first reviewer, you made my day . In fact, thank you all, that fact that you guys are not only reading this but following and favorite-ing it means a lot to me.

Hope you enjoy this chapter, is a little different because it's set when John gets home from the shops and also includes *sound effects*

* * *

"You know you could at least get the door when you know I'm coming in with my arms full of shopping, heavy shopping at that. What do you need all the canned soup for anyway?"

"Mrs. Hudson is at her sister's."

"So? Wait, are you actually planning on eating it?"

"Yes it's meant for eating. Don't sound so surprised John, it's not like it's the first time."

"But it is the first time for soup. And why would Mrs. Hudson make you soup?"

"She probably wouldn't."

"You know what never mind, you want soup, you can have soup. Now where did you want all the pharmaceuticals? I really would like to know why you need that many different products; you've got stuff here to treat everything from colds to the flue."

"Hmmm, desk is fine John."

"You're not going to tell me what they're for?"

"Not at present, no."

"Okay, how about the hot water bottle?"

"I used ours for an experiment last month, thought it was time to get a new one."

"Why? So you could make some kind of bomb with it?"

"Not planning on it no... Although, now that you mention it there was something I've been meaning to try…"

"Well whatever it is, give me some warning before you start it. Your midnight explosion woke the whole block last week."

"It was hardly that loud and anyway this one won't make much noise."

"I'm going to lie down for a bit I think, I haven't slept the night through in a week and that little dip in the Themes yesterday didn't help much, it took me hours to get warm again."

….

*ring ring ring ring ring*

…

*ring ring ri—*

"What is it Lestrade?…No we can't come down for statements… I said no… If you must but not until later… John's coming down with something that's why; he won't be leaving the flat again for several days…None that requite legwork at least. You can bring some cold cases if you like….Don't bother, we've got soup…Isn't that what people are supposed to eat when they're sick?…Yes six sounds fine, don't forget the cold cases."


End file.
